Do you ever have those days when you wonder, why is everything I do so crap? Why am I so crap, Why is it so impossible for me to actually do something? I don't know if it's the weather or the fact I feel a bit ill but I just feel like I'm drowning in mediocrity and malaise. I have to get back to work for DWED and I love it but I just don't even know where to start. I have to get everything organised and I feel like I just don't know how anymore. Unfortunately running and hiding isn't an option. I think that my youth is catching up with me. Normally I look a lot younger than I am but the last few months I have been looking every second of my age, my hair and skin and dry, my nails are brittle my teeth are still giving me horrendous jip I'm overweight, unbelievably unfit, smoking like a chimney and drinking like a sailor on leave. I curse every cig I put out but I just can't seem to break the cycle. I hate smoking now, I hate everything about it but there I am, smoking my life away. That's the other thing, I can feel how it affects me now, I'm so tired all the time, my chest is tight and I get pains, urrgghhh. This is not how I imagined the start of my 30s. I know that something has to change, well actually, a lot has to change but how does one start when everything is so overwhelming, if I could just get some energy back then perhaps my outlook would start to change. I think that I've become so adept at ignoring the things that cause me discomfort that this has become a problem within itself. For example money, thinking about money makes me break out in a cold sweat so I just try and ignore it. This is a problem when it comes to spending , its like I know I shouldn't be buying something but by not buying it I am confirming that I should be worrying about money, (which of course I should be) and I can't cope with it. The cycle goes round and round and I feel like I'm stuck in the center of a tornado. I'm worried about my relationship, sometimes I don't know how anyone can put up with the amount of shit that comes with loving me. Someone told me once that I talk as quickly as they thought, I said 'then you should hear the inside of my head'. And I'm so done with it. It's like a form of self harm, starting things and not finishing them, not thinking about my diet or my finacnces or what is actually going on in my life, while protective on one hand is totally devastating my life on the other. So as craft and organising seem to be such natural bedfellows I am going to do a 365 day challenge to sort out my life and make some nice stuff on the way. In the past I have tried to do every things at once and have failed instantly as a result. Now I'm going to try and use some of the amazing blogs I've found to try and help me and use this blog to keep me accountable. God knows I have to do something or I'm not going to be any use to anyone.