'Sorry Love, I was looking at your clothes... not your face'

Ahhhh the words every woman loves to hear...

 'Have you got any ID please?'

My heart fluttered and my mind did a little mental wink 'still got it kid' 


I turned around from the self service check-out to beam smugly at the asda lady, ready to do my funny thing - 'ha ha you should see me without make up' or 'I'm sorry I'm thirty! come on, I'm far to polite to be underage' - but I didn't get the chance

 'Oh! Sorry Love!!!! I was looking at your clothes... not your face.'

Yes lets just run through that once more

I was looking at your clothes... not your face


Oh fucking great, thanks very much, way to ruin my day (life). And the thing is that yeah, it is nice to look a bit younger but that doesn't really bother me, it's the implication that I was DRESSED like an underager. Urrgghhh. Those of you who are unfortunate to come into regular contact with me will know that I had a total fashion breakdown the last time this happened. (no, this isn't the first time I've been told I 'dress like a teenager'), I spent 3 months dressed in dowdy skirts and polo necks, I looked like a goth quaker, not good. I was just.... just getting out of this funk (it took a lot of vodka and a trip to the PCC for a Rocky Horror Sing - a - long) when this incident occurred. As much as I'm depressed about it I'm also increasingly frustrated: I'm thirty, not married, have no children WTF am I supposed to wear? And what exactly is wrong about going down the Asda in joggers and a hoodie? Suddenly because I'm thirty I'm supposed to look like I've been vomited out of the freemans catalogue?

So in desperation I turned to the internet thinking:

Maybe I should look at some female celebrities in their 30s for some inspiration

Really - Whorebag Elvis Cowgirl!

You would think with all her money JLo
could afford some better attire than her
 grans old doileys


Seriously? The Melty Face, Skanky Babrbie
bubblegum porn star look is sutable
for someone in their 30's? REALLY? 'Looks like Candy'
No LOOKS LIKE AGEING PROSTITUTE
At least I know where I'm going wrong now. I am wearing far too many layers! According to my research, basically, I can't look like a fully grown woman unless I am one, desperately dressing as if I'm not. Oh and don't forget to look fresh out of some kind of porn fantasy. School Girl Princess Bubblegum, Elvis Christian Cowgirl and, well??? Grandma's kitchen table?


20 Richmond Superkings and a Half bottle of Kirov please
 While writing this I have been listening to this (angrily)